And we’re not so different after all

Science has proven that no two persons are born having identical DNA’s. We may be ninety-nine percent the same when it comes to our genetic make-up but no one is exactly alike. In one way or the other, there is always something that makes one individual different from another.

Aside from one’s genetic make-up, the environment in which one is cultivated has created various instances that lead to settting an individual apart from all the rest. A person may be different when it comes to his race, his beliefs, his culture, his status, his desires, his practices or even his ideals. Growing up, we are taught that we are unique and that no one is like you or me.

Who we are is a result of our constant self-discovery and rediscovery. Our becoming is an everyday endeavour. As we grow, we learn to decide freely. We learn to choose what we want and we learn to select the things that would make us happy. We learn to say no to things that we don’t like. And we learn to craft the tomorrow that we want to achieve. These everyday decisions define who we are and set us apart from all the rest.

But then, the process doesn’t end there. We are not lone entities. We are situated in a place where we are with millions, or even billions of individuals whom we need to co-exist. And just like you and me, each of these individual wants something and/or has something to say. We are caught up in a traffic of people who are also in a process of self discovery. And reality becomes more complicated. Everyday becomes an arena of clashing wants.

And this you, who is also influenced by your own interests is confronted by people who like you have only two thoughts in mind - First, of what they want; and second, how to get it.

These differences often result to conflict because we insist on what we want rather than compromise.

This difference among each one of us has become our excuse whenever there arises a conflict of interest. It is but natural that because we have varied wants, we end up taking part in an interplay of negotiations and persistence to win over another. To have what we want, we end up fighting strangers, our mentors, our colleagues, our friends, and even those that we love the most. Instead of allowing our differences to complement each other, we have used it to widen the gap amongst ourselves leading to conflicts.

A few years ago, my western Philosophy teacher one’s told me that the problem between people is that we do not know how to listen. Whenever we are in a confrontation, we close our ears and insist on what we want. It is either a take it or leave it – there is no room for compromise. We insist that someone is right and that someone must be us. Winning means resolution of conflict – that it is only the means to end a misunderstanding. And when someone tells us that we are wrong, we take it negatively. We take it as an attack against our person.

Most of the time we are overwhelmed by our desires that we end up hurting a lot of people. And it is only later that we realize, that in the process of getting what we want, we lose those that we love. We sacrifice so many things thinking that what we are doing is for a greater cause. And yes we may have destroyed the obstacle towards getting what want, but we have also destroyed ourselves. Speaking up for yourself and fighting for what you want is not bad. But allowing our emotions and allowing conflict to control us in our dealings with others is like a poison seeping through our veins, slowly killing us. It can corrupt us to the very core.

Thus, in order that this be prevented, I am in full support to what Mr. Villanueva said, that whenever there is a conflict, and when everyone is at his tipping point, it is best to step back and move towards the “balcony” so as to better assess the situation. It is only through stepping back that we get the picture in its entirety and not only through our vantage point.

Conflict exists everyday. And these conflicts that arise in our day to day encounters may be those wherein we are directly implicated or those where we act as mere spectators. In the former, we either choose to insist our stand or just let it go whereas in the latter, we often prefer to not be involved. Why do we have to involve ourselves in conflict, when after all life itself is already complicated.

And yes, our attitude towards conflict has always been the same throughout the ages. We take conflict as something negative. Conflict is something that we must avoid. It is bad. It brings nothing good. It causes destruction. It breaks hearts. Conflict as much as possible must be avoided.  Instead of facing conflict, we remove that which causes the conflict or we move away from the conflict itself. In our minds we think that we have won over conflict but in reality we actually did not.

Thus we are locked up in a cycle spiralling up. Our philosophy is not to confront conflict and leave it as it is - thinking that it will simply annihilate and die its natural death.  This is our greatest mistake.

Man has the capacity to understand. It is a gift that he must share.

Thinking that “conflict must be avoided” is an insult to man. It is like saying that conflict can never be resolved or transformed and thus we cannot do anything about it. Saying that we must just let it go and let it be is tantamount to admitting that we are not capable of understanding the other. At the same time, when we refuse to understand conflict, we give up on the opportunity that maybe we can do something about it. This very principle of facing conflicts knocked me during the conflict map workshop conducted during the conflict transformation seminar that we participated in weeks ago.

When asked to draw a conflict map, we decided to choose a case that me and my classmates are so familiar with. We decided to plot the conflict that involves two of our classmates where things have ended up very destructive. We used to get pissed off whenever these specific classmates of ours fight. Their fights were never obscure and slowly the violence between them have become physical. The rest of us in the room knew what was happening but we decided to keep our eyes closed. We did nothing. We believed that we cannot do anything about it and that we should keep our noses out of it. But then we are wrong. We could have done something about it. And maybe, just maybe we could have made them feel that in the interplay of their wants, interests and needs, they have friends who could support them. We are the bond that supposedly could have connected them so that the misunderstanding can be discussed and so that a middle ground is achieved. But then, we easily avoided the conflict, not thinking that it will only cause more damage than we expect.

But also we must put to mind that it is not at all instance that we must insist on resolving conflict immediately. There are conflicts that have been witnessed by history and conflicts that have been with various generations. Some conflicts have created wounds that are too difficult to cure. Indeed, some conflicts are irreconcilable. There are conflicts that only time can heal and are difficult to resolve - after all, what we are dealing with are emotions. A perfect example would be the conflict between the Muslims and the Christians in various areas in the country.

I am a Mindanaoan. I was born and raised in Mindanao. My mother lived in a Muslim community while I have Muslim relatives from my father’s side. I have participated in the MILF peace process and have been exposed to people who also share in the mission of “re-righting” history. Whenever I tell people especially my Christian friends that I support the Bangsamoro Framework, I always receive a raise of brows. I find it difficult to explain to them that the MILF’s to be specific are men armed by their principles. They are people who just like anyone of us are willing to kill for the sake of what they believe. They are people who are driven to fight on behalf of their children.

The misunderstanding between the government and the Moros came into existence even before I was born. Everyone was pushing their side unwilling to listen to the other. Everyone’s pretending that they understand, but in reality is motivated only by the will to pull the other towards their side. We often say that anything can be resolved through a peaceful dialogue but ironically, when we do dialogue, we do not communicate, we simply insist our wants.

The capacity to understand is man’s gift. We are different: but this capacity to understand endowed to us is our means in order to realize that we are all not that different. No one is above another and that this differences that we have will only help give birth to something beautiful.

Conflict is natural. In wherever we are and in whatever that we do, there is always conflict. It is a manifestation of our being caring people. Without care, we are simply apathetic people who wouldn’t mind whatever is happening around us. But we shouldn’t stop in knowing that conflict is natural. We must always put to mind that conflict is part of our natural process of growth. And as part of a process that entails actions or steps in order to achieve a particular end, we must not remain stagnant in it. It is important that we find ways to understand the other and go into the root of the conflict so that it may be resolved or transformed. Because in the midst of all our differences, there is that something that connects each one of us. And it is a challenge for us to find that point of alikeness that makes us all equal.

And from discord, we give life to something beautiful.

This is what makes the human race beautiful. We are like the black and white keys of a piano. Every key is different and every key pressed creates a different sound. Playing the keys altogether may either result to discord or harmony. Creating discord is easy whereas the latter entails an effort to work out the discord in order to create a beautiful melody.

True enough, all of us have various wants. We differ in so many things. But we are challenged to go beyond our differences and to look into the very core of conflict so that we may find a WIN-WIN solution. Transforming conflicts and finding ways to accommodate our differences can be very difficult. But at the same time, let us bear in mind that nothing worth it comes out from what is easy.