Cheers to all our stories

Is it the world that molded me? Or am I the one who molded the world? Or maybe an interplay between me as an individual molded by the circumstances surrounding me and my actions toward the world that I am currently in.

***

We can never deny that despite our sameness, still we become different from each other at the very instance that we set foot on earth. This is a difference that is determined primarily by what we think, what we do, what we feel and by how we perceive the world.

But as we go through life, in our everyday encounter with one another, we realize that in this difference and sameness, there are only two possibilities - either we touch someone's life or we get touched by another's life. And so we ask. What have i done? What am I doing?  Because everyday and every encounter is an invitation for us to look into our lives and to find meaning in everything that we do.

***

It is so easy to go with the flow - To do what everyone else is doing - to just let go and to live. To be absorbed by the temporary worldly splendour. But we are encouraged to step back and to look at life from another angle.  And as we slowly step back, we are startled by how life has changed. And with hope, we are all challenged to do something. Not just for ourselves but for those who are in greater need. And this is a challenge that doesn't happen in a moment but an everyday commitment.  Because in this world; our life - how we live it and how we go through it from day to day, how we interact with people, how we use our differences to complement one another, how we use our strengths to uplift the condition of the other, how we use our weaknesses and how we struggle each day to become better people becomes our personal story.  And this story is our message to the world.

A commentary

As students of the University of San Carlos, we are challenged to become persons who manifest the very principles of the institution. We are expected to become an epitome of the vision and mission of the university which are integrated in everything that we learn in school. There is hope that as we go out from the four corners of the institution we embody the academic education of the Society of the Divine Word. And that through this identity, we send a message to the world of what a Carolinian truly is.

           

But we can never deny that as the years go by and as the world constantly change, our perception about things and about reality also changes. And thus we ask - Has our understanding of the vision and mission of the University changed with time? Is there such a thing as “A Modern Carolinian”? Are we deviating from the tradition of the Society of the Divine Word as we go through the Digital Age?

These are just few of the questions that might have crossed our minds when the Fashion Issue of the Lex Obiter was released. To some of us, it might be just an ordinary magazine made out of glossy paper with a stunning cover girl. Others might take it simply as a source of general information. But there might also be few individuals who see the Fashion Issue as a threat to how the interpretation of students with regards the USC vision and mission has evolved.

Is the Concept and Overall Presentation of the Fashion Issue of the Lex Obiter reflective of the vision of the USC of a True Carolinian?

The fox told the prince that “it is only through the heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the naked eye.” But the Lex Obiter says otherwise – it is screaming aesthetics, diamonds, physical beauty, sparkle, gloss, presentation, attention. It attracts the eyes. It draws your attention as it pulls you, screaming into your face “grab me and read me.” If you don’t know what Lex Obiter is, you might even think that it is one of the top commercially sold fashion and living magazines in the country.

But isn’t that amazing? The college publication is being at par with those magazines we see in stores. The Lex Obiter is exhibiting competence of students when it comes to aesthetics and presentation of thoughts. But Lex Obiter has gone beyond its limits. It is a treading towards the unfamiliar – the unfamiliar which is very dangerous and very destructive. And we all know that a wise man knows his limits and he never tries to put a square peg in a round hole.

The publication team is commendable for the passion that they have poured into developing the fashion issue but they have failed to integrate the simplicity and quality that the university has taught us. Real beauty is found not in glitz and glamor. It is found in the heart and in one’s passion to continually learn so that he may share his learning to those who are greatly in need. And Fashion is but a minor concern of the average human being. Besides, we are only expected to be presentable in our everyday dealings. There is no demand for us to be fashionable - and being presentable and fashionable are two different things.

Does the Fashion Issue embody scientia, virtus, devotio?

A competent professional, a virtuous exemplar and a dedicated advocate – these are the attributes that the university are molding us to have. Through the various activities and lessons that we earn everyday, a Carolinian graduate is expected in the real world to become a competent individual who dedicatedly offers himself to his chosen profession so that he may always be of service to others. He is a professional who puts his heart into what he does so that he may be able to contribute something that would be beneficial not only to his profession but most specially to the beneficiaries of his service.

There is a great demand in every Carolinian to always look into the very essence of things and to move away from the temporary splendor that the world offers. The university is in a mission of molding students who can look into the very core of society and can be sympathetic to the needy. The university aims to develop students who see wealth and fame as merely incidental to the services that he offers. Because a Carolinian graduate is always ready to serve others and is at all times willing to lend a hand.

Unfortunately, the Fashion Issue failed to embody scientia, virtus and devotio. It deviated from the long tradition of SVD education. It merely presented a thin layer of the Carolinian culture and have given more emphasis to what is superficial.

There is nothing wrong in choosing to live in the present as well as appreciating the trend of today. Besides, we are all challenged to adapt to the changing times as the face of the society changes with it. But we can never sacrifice our tradition and our very identity as Carolinians just because the world has changed. Because despite the changing times and despite the change in our strategies and approach to the world, still our very purpose as individual remains. This purpose has been embedded in us in our many years of stay in the university. This has been inculcated in our minds and in our hearts.  And that reason for existence – that purpose - is the very soul of a Carolinian.

Does it help you become witness to the word?

Fashion is fleeting. Physical beauty fades. Technology is fast paced. But those that are essential and those that makes us more human are those that we can hold on throughout our lifetime.

Witnessing the word entails becoming a living testimony of the goodness, love and compassion of our savior Jesus Christ. It entails that we live following his footsteps as He say “carry your cross and follow me.” Serving others might seem to look simple in the eyes of some people but it is a task that requires sacrifice, passion and patience.

The Fashion Issue of the Lex Obiter was unsatisfactory in inspiring every Law student to become witness to the world. It failed in keeping the fire of every law student passionately burning for service and justice. It failed to show the students the beauty of being of service to others by being committed to the path one has chosen. It failed to present to future lawyers a vision of the broken world that is waiting for them. It failed to show to the students that we are studying and struggling each day to learn so that we can be of better help to our countrymen. It failed to present to each one of us that after all it is not how we look or what we wear that defines us but rather it is how we interact with others and how we help them preserve their dignity. It failed in sending the message that we are not what we wear but we are what we do and what we think.

***

A Carolinian graduate is a man of competence, dedication, conviction, compassion and commitment. A Carolinian is a man who despite his honor and great acclaim has firmly rooted his feet on the ground. A Carolinian is not loud. He is not proud. He is not a diamond. He is not a gem. Rather, a Carolinian is an oyster that with its heart produces a pearl that keeps every man amazed with wonder -  an oyster that despite its struggle produces a pearl that gives everyone the opportunity to look up and thank the Lord for a beautiful world.

 “Go for quality and never ever be loud. Howsoever one would interpret that,

whether in their ways or their clothes. They should project the image of a person of substance and relevance without trying so hard to look the part.”

                                                                                                            -Dean Joan S. Largo -

December 2, 2013

Between Shades of Gray

"Was it harder to die,or harder to be the one who survived?"
It is only circumstance that would dictate the answer to this question. And it is only character that determines every man's will to survive despite difficult circumstances..

Between Shades of Gray is a powerful one that would capture the heart of every person. Based on real events that have haunted human history and have made man thought of the human nature as ruled by greed, the book have beautifully shown that even war and difficult times cann0t destroy man's love,c0mpassi0n and h0pe.

This book which is beautifully written deserves praises from all over the world.

Let us celebrate human triumph. Let us celebrate humanity

Beautiful Melody

We are never in control of how our actions could possibly affect others. This is an inevitable reality that reminds us to be constantly vigilant of whatever we say and do. We have to remember that this is a world where there is a coexistence of diverse beings. We are all different. And how we take each others remarks (in various manners) is an indication that we are not the same. 

Thus, the effect of our actions towards another may be greater than what we have expected or the other way around. What may be intended may be different from what resulted. And in the end, as you point the blame towards another, three of your fingers return the blame on you, asking you to reflect and make use of what has been learned in the process. After all, everything that we say and do, (regardless of whether we like it or not) is out from the choices we make.

However, despite all our differences, the greatest challenge is finding the beauty of being together and seeing how these differences complement each other. Just imagine how chords when put together create a beautiful melody that can inspire and touch the soul 

You can never teach people to be good. You can only inspire them to be one

i have always believed  that goodness is something that you can never teach others. you cannot simply tell someone to do something just because you think that an act is good. i myself for one thing wouldn't do an act just because someone tells me that it's okay.
but isn't that absurd? What's the sense of having ethics then if goodness- if morality is something you cannot teach? then what's the point of letting your heart out in presenting the ideas and ethical principles written in manuscripts if it can never be an assurance that people as they get out from the rooms become moral and better individuals? then why teach Ethics? why study Ethics?
***
you can never teach someone to be good... you can only inspire someone to be one. Everyone has a choice. And  being good is a daily decision... a decision that one must do for himself in consideration of others... You cannot simply point a finger. you can only hope that others would see the goodness in what you are doing.
Inspiring itself entails dedication and hardwork... a constant struggle to be good. you yourself should be an epitome of what you preach. you don't just talk but you live by what you say.
***
Ethics as a discipline is the best venue for you to assess your daily decisions. have you been good? have you done what is righteous? have you given your humanity justice? Ethics helps us justify the righteousness of our acts. it helps us understand why an act is considered good and why we are ought to do this. Ethics helps us become more human.
Including this in the curriculum only says that we should not only develop or improve our intellectual capacities. This brings us back into the consciousness that we are humans -  beings given not only the capacity to reason out but also to feel.  it is a reminder that in whatever condition or circumstances, these faculties (the mind and the heart) should work hand in hand.

In motion

i grew up as an achiever because that was the demand of the house. We must excel in school and we must find time in participating with the extra curricular activities. You have to be the best student. Being second was not an option and the target is always the first spot.

Maybe that was the reason why I've been very competitive in school. For all the life I've spent not just in school but wherever I am in, people expect me to be the best. But things change and our priorities and desires are no longer the same as we grow older.

Growing up trying to be on top of the other is not just difficult but at the same time very tiresome. You have to work hard to be better than the other in order to have the top spot. working hard to succeed is good. But with the wrong intentions, it can be very deadly.

I stopped seeking for success. I stopped hunting and craving for achievements. Maybe the best reason why i stopped is because I've been there. I know what it feels...and I realized that it's not all that there is. Though I didn't stop learning and wanting for more, my experiences and achievements taught me to search for those that I truly desire and those that would make me truly happy.

In retrospect

I am a good writer - that's what I thought of myself growing up. I write almost anything - from prose to songs. I am a happy writer and I wanted to use what I have written to bring joy to the world and to inspire others of the beauty of life. I believed that one day I'm going to be a writer. I wasn't thinking about getting rich or becoming famous. All I wanted was to touch lives and open hearts. I just wanted to  write because that's what makes me happy. And I wanted to write with a purpose because I know that will make me happier.

But growing up was a tough one. Circumstances have changed and our priorities have evolved. The want to become a writer is still present and the want to inspire the world through what i have written remains within my heart. But i cant help asking what have happened? Throughout the many years, am I simply allowing society to mold me into becoming the person they think I should be while I sacrifice the person I truly am?

.005 (Kwentong kalye atbp.)

Sabi nga nang nakatatanda kong kapatid,masyadong OA daw kung gumamit nang papel ang Law School. Sa dami nang binababasa nang mga estudyante sa araw araw eh di mo maiwasang maitanong kung ilang puno na kaya ang katumbas ng tumpok nang papel na nagagamit sa araw araw. Pero kung tatanungin din siguro ang mga Abogado eh "justifiable" lang din naman ito. Eh kung para rin naman sa isang marangal na pakikibaka at pananaliksik para sa hustisya di ba? O Sige na nga...

Napag usapan narin naman natin ang sandamakmak na pirasong papel na naglalaman nang husga nang ating kataas taasang hukuman eh lubus lubusin nalang din natin ang ating chikahan ukol dito. Hindi mo ito maiaalis sa buhay nang isang estudyanteng nais maging Abogado.

Pero hindi rin naman sa lahat nang panahon ay sakit sa ulo ang pagbabasa nang Supreme Court Decisions. Nakakaaliw rin naman itong basahin. May nakakainis, may nakakaiyak at siyempre di rin mawawala yung iilang wala lang talagang kwenta, na kung iisipan mo naman ay napa konting problemang pinalaki lamang. May mga pagkakataon ding hindi mo maiwasang mamangha, baka ang binabasa mo pala'y may kinalaman sa ilang dekada nang kasaysayan nang iyong kinatatayuan o di naman kayay maliit na bahagi na nang buhay nang iyong kapitbahay. Dito, para ka lamang nagbabasa nang isang nobela - may bida, may kontrabida at siyempre may pang gulo pandagdag istorya.

Pero hindi naman ang pagbabasa ang nagbibigay nang sakit ng ulo nang mga estudyante. Bago pa lamang pumasok sa Law School ay siguro alam naman nang lahat na kailangan mong magsunog ng kilay kung gusto mong humanay sa mga pinakamagagaling na manananggol ng bansa. Ang pinuputok nang butsi nang mga estudyante ay ang oras.  Sa dami nang babasahin ay tila gusto mo nang huminto ang oras hanggang matapos mo ito lahat. Minsan dagdag torture pa ang pinagsabay sabay na babasahin sa major subjects na hindi mo alam kung alin ang dapat unahin.

Pero di rin naman sa lahat nang panahon eh kaaway nang isang law student  ang oras. may mga panahon din namang gusto naming bumilis ang takbo nang panahon. Isang konkretong halimbawa na nito ang mga makapanindig balahibong oral recitations.

08252013
copyright LAE August 2013

UNTITLED EPITOME

I am a painter… I paint the beauty of life through every stroke I make. I give color to every dull picture and I give life to the inanimate feature in every piece of paper. I create a masterpiece that touches every person’s soul….I paint life.

I am a writer… I inspire the other half of the globe with the thoughts I have in mind. I awaken every sleeping hollow that have become dummies and captives of this modified world. I write essays, stories, novels, and any other kinds of manuscripts that would intensify the emotion of existence…. I write life.

I am a child… obedient to the wants of my parents. I do whatever pleases them. I study hard to attain good grades in payment of all the hardwork they have done to raise me. I fulfill my duties as a daughter to make them happy and for them to be proud of me…. My parents are my life.

I am a slave…a person who has made herself a captive of this insincere society. I paint not to please myself but to fulfill the wants of every criticizing eye. I write not in accordance with my principles but to satisfy the interest of every reader. I fulfill my parents’ wants not because it makes me happy but because I don’t want to ruin the name they had made of themselves and to not put them to shame.

I am a slave…I have lost my identity and was driven by the dictates of this merciless world. I am ashamed because of the person I have become… my soul is dead. I lost my life.

The Earth - Our Only Home

The temperature of the earth is changing. Cold Seasons have been colder while the warm seasons have become hotter. Weather patterns have changed and natural calamities have brought greater disaster to communities. The world is changing. And climate change has become the newest trend.

Global Warming is a natural phenomenon. It is important for the earth to warm else humans and other species would die because of the extreme cold. But with the kind of warming that we have now, we can all say that this is no longer normal.

Climate change or the warming of the earth’s atmosphere is caused by the increase of greenhouse gases like methane and carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. This is caused by a natural cycle of the earth and reinforced by human activities such as agriculture, pollution, burning of coal and others. Climate change does not only affect the earth’s temperature but also other aspects of climate and can result to other disastrous consequences such as drought, floods and epidemic. With this we can rightfully say that everything in the world is interconnected. Everything that we do creates a domino effect that will either be good or bad.

The earth is a miracle; it was made out of very minute entities that have collectively become our home, other species and us. The world many years ago was very beautiful, filled with everything that we need and might need. It has provided us our basic necessities and have patiently developed us into the person that we are now. But then together with our change in physique and growth in intellect, we have also changed in our relationship with the earth. We have become very proud individuals that have thought that we can manipulate the earth into what we wanted it to become - providing not just our needs but our selfish wants.  The earth has taught us to do agriculture, to toil with the soil so that we may live. But instead of working with our hands, we have used technology to speed up our work but leaving our earth degrade faster. Pollution which is a product of our own hands has become one of the major culprits why our earth is slowly dying. The Earth will naturally die, but our irresponsibility will speed things up. Those who have lack in resources have become more adaptive but those who have many continued wasting and abusing what they have. We who are dependent to energy have excavated what is there without thinking that eventually it will be exhausted. When one is gone, we proceed to where it is more convenient or to where it would be easier for us to get what we want.

The earth is one of the greatest miracles while man is another – different yet connected. But the greatest question lies in where man is situated. Is he a conqueror of the earth or a steward of nature? For millions of years, the world is nothing but a beautiful place... but man has changed it. Nature has been our provider but we have failed the world. Being here is a privilege and we are here for a purpose. We are continuously developing, but our unstoppable progress has hindered our responsibility of becoming stewards of the earth. Man has grown intellectually but our hearts have become poor. We have failed the world and our abusive attitude will only lead us to destroying our own home.  

The world and the web of life is part of us. We, as the ones given with reason, are the driver of mostly everything that is present in the world. We must remember that when we exhaust one thing, we are also sacrificing another. It forever goes on in the web until we realize that we are committing suicide.

It is okay to dream for humanity. It is okay to dream for us to become better and better. But it is also important that we dream together with the earth. Dreaming for the earth and not just for ourselves doesn’t make us less.  Progress is not bad...work is good. But we are depleting what nature provides and we have degraded our own identities. We have to be responsible. We have to remember that "The cost of our action is high." The world is changing and much of its change is man’s responsibility.

Re-route (My 24 hours Tragedy 2)

I slowly opened my eyes as I adjust to the brightness of the light. I can still feel the aching in my body as I move my hand to feel my existence. Where am i? What happened? I was about to stood up from the bed where I am situated with my eyes still half closed when someone held my shoulder to assist me – my brother. He was stopping me from doing what I was supposedly to do. I asked him what happened and where I am as of the moment. I was listening to him intently as the pain of the accident comes back to life.
I was on a quest, on an attempt to forget the person I love. It was a 24-hours countdown I gave myself which ended with an accident. I realized that I was so stupid because I have loved him even on the instance when I am supposed to hate him. I saved the life of the girl who captured his heart… and his happiness was tantamount to my every pain. But maybe love is really like that, trying to make the one you love happy even if it means putting you out of the picture.
Kuya said I’ve been unconscious for days but the doctor said I’m slowly recovering. I hope so… maybe physically I will, but emotionally it would surely take time.
It was around 11:26 in the morning when three bangs on the door were heard. First came Isabelle who felt really sorry for my misfortune, followed by Darwin whom in his eyes is seen a heart filled with so much gratitude.
Isa rushed towards me as she held my hand. She kept on saying sorry as she asks me what I’m currently feeling. In my heart, how I wished I could tell her how I am aching inside… that I‘d rather had chosen to die instead of living in lies. But then the best answer was just a smile, a smile which could mean to her that everything is gonna’ be fine. Darwin was just looking at me. At times our eyes would meet as I then hurriedly move my sight to another direction. Everytime I look at him, I can’t help but lose my defenses… I keep falling over and over again.
Isa’s phone rang that she went outside the room to answer the call. In her absence, I was left alone with Darwin who is seated by the bench positioned opposite to my bed. He started talking to break the silence.
“You terrified us.” He said
I took a deep breath as I gave an answer, “I have to… that was the best thing to do.”
I then move my body as I turned around to avoid seeing him as I continue with my speech, “if I was the one in Isabelle’s position, and if you were the one in mine, would you do the same thing?”
Then there was silence. All that was heard was the exchange of our breathing. Droplets of water were slowly falling from my eyes as loneliness illuminate the room at a snail’s pace. I ain’t sure if he understood what I was implicitly telling him, all I knew is that I am still hurting.

***
Days have passed and I’m back to my old self… away from the smell and gloomy feeling of my hospital room. I’m back to school and people were glad that I am. They have been very curious, asking me the same question again and again. And just like any memorized piece, I kept saying the same speech monotonously.
My club mates were the ones worried the most. They even act overly as they glue me on one place, forbidding me to do what I am supposedly to do for the club. “Don’t do this… Don’t do that… don’t worry Celine we can manage… just sit still…” blah blah blah! Now that was more tiresome. And the funny thing is that they appointed Glenn to become my personal assistant until I fully recover.
On the other hand, If I am one tasked to do the visuals of the publication, Glenn is the one assigned for the sports section. He is in his junior years like me. He joined the publication team, three months after I did. I am not really that close to him. All I knew about him are the little facts which are not new or hidden to anyone. If not for what had happened to me weeks ago, I may not have had the chance to knowing this guy I have always been with in the team.
It’s so akward having Glenn around. Being so silent, I get so intimidated with him. Why do they have to guard me like I’m a baby or well at least why Glenn when we’re not even friends. He even gives me chills whenever he stabs me with his stares… weird Glenn.
The adjustment stage with Glenn around was quite difficult and annoying but after a few days, I started getting used with it. We were not really that close but he was very patient doing the errands that are supposedly mine. I wish to offer him a little help but he only answers me with a smile.

***
Right after class, as I put my notes back to my bag and as people slowly emptied the room, I noticed Isa. She was just on her chair, silent and doodling on her notes. I called her to ask if she wants company out. She just looked at me and then looked away. I knew something is wrong and something’s badly bothering her so I sat on the chair adjacent to hers. I started asking questions which might be the cause of the murky mood… about her family, about school and finally about Darwin.
As I mentioned Darwin’s name, Isa started crying as she told me that they broke up last night for unclear reasons. I stood from where I am situated as I move towards Isa to give her a hug. I should be happy because Darwin is finally free- my chances of having the man I have wanted all my life have amplified. But then I can’t. I feel so sorry for my bestfriend… I didn’t care about Darwin... I cared more about Isa.

***
I was at the clubhouse, eyes closed and with my earphones attached to my ear, silently thinking of what could have happened. Why was it so sudden? They seemed to be both in love with each other back then. I was so engrossed with what I was thinking that I didn’t notice Glenn’s arrival. I almost fell off my chair as Glenn’s face welcomed me as I opened my eyes – just about inches away from mine. His brows meet as he curiously gaze at me. I was shocked as his dark brown eyes met mine. I have never looked at him this close and have never realized how beautiful he is. My face was hot, I realized that I was blushing.
I broke the thing off as I stood from my chair and started talking. His eyes are still glued on me, following me with a serious look.
“So what do you think you’re doing?” I asked him with my hands clasped together.
“Looking at you?” he answered me as he ends it with a smile
I looked at him as he looked at me. There was silence… and then the room was filled with our laughter.

***
Glenn has been my constant companion since I got back to school. I never really expected that I’ll like him. He was just once a shadow passing by my table at the clubhouse. But now, he’s company has been always wanted. I never really thought that we’ll become good friends. But fate was good to me… the accident suddenly became a blessing in disguise. 
My free time was filled with chatting and I suddenly became interested with Sports. Having Glenn around, I get to have fresh inside scoops about the school’s status with regards to Sports plus I get to include their bloopers in my comic section. Glenn was a very interesting man. He’s not just good looking but he’s also smart. Well added to his being patient when he became my personal assistant. 
I’m actually doing fine now. I have recovered from the accident but still not sure ‘bout what I’m feeling with Darwin. Well I’m getting a lot of information about him from Glenn but then it was no longer much of a thing to me. If it had been weeks ago then maybe I’d care more… but I have to admit it, I still have a liking for him. Maybe I am just overwhelmed with the attention Glenn has given me that I am forgetting Darwin ones in a while. I am even still curious about what he was telling me while we were inside the ambulance. When they were rushing me to the hospital he was saying something, something vague to me until now.
I was about to do something at my table, starting my thing for the arts when Stephanie called from behind. She was playing with her hair with both his legs on the table as she looks at the ceiling counting the nails tucked. She interrupted her moment as she said.
“Remember the basket ball player named Darwin, Celine?” she asked, 
I just looked at her and smiled as she continued her talking. “Well he dropped by two hours ago and said that he’ll be waiting for you at the soccer field.”
I just smiled until what Stephanie said fully registered in my mind. “Oh Shit. Two hours ago? why did no one ever tell me?” I took a sip on my cola as I hurriedly ran towards the soccer field. Two hours is too much… and why could he be looking for me? Is it something to do with Isa? Thoughts came rushing in but I still am not sure what’s really going on. In normal conditions, it takes me ten minutes to reach the field from the club house, but now? With the adrenaline rushing through my veins, I miraculously did it in six minutes. I was still catching my breath as I reached the field. Darwin was still there…waiting under the shade of a tree. He stood up to meet me as he saw me approaching. 
As we meet, he positioned himself at my back. I am still baffled until a glittering lace fell at my neck. The necklace was beautiful and my heart almost jumped with what he just did. I turned around to look at him as our eyes met. 
Then in a sudden, teardrops from heaven fell as the dusk slowly enveloped the earth. We were soaked wet. I didn’t know what I was actually feeling. Everything was all mixed up. But in the parade of emotions, one has risen above the others. I lifted my hands to unlock the necklace as I took it away from my neck. I returned it to Darwin. After what had happened, something became clear to me. I am finally free. I kissed Darwin at the cheek and said goodbye to him as I then ran to a familiar figure carrying an umbrella, waiting for me from afar.


<3 LAE 05/09/10

My 24 hours Tragedy

All my life I wanted to be special… to be loved and cared for. I have searched for Mr. Right and thought of finding him when I met you… you were my soul mate, my destiny but not for long after you broke my heart.

You were heading towards me with a smile on your face… so sweet that I felt like melting. Then you took me away from the crowd and told me that you have something to tell me. My heart was banging.... its thumps were so loud that I hardly hear the noise around us. You were holding my hand so tight and I wanted that moment not to end. Then you took me into the old library. You started talking. Our eyes met and the beat of my heart was louder than ever. 
“I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time but the timing was never perfect. Celine, I need you… will you please help me with your bestfriend Isabelle? I am madly in love with her… will you help me?”

My world tumbled down unto my feet. I did not knew what to do when I heard those words came out from his mouth… how silly of me to make myself believe that he loved me. Who am I for him to love when I’m just one of those freaky geeks who knew nothing but paint and draw while he is the campus crush and a lot of beautiful college girls’ crowd over him? Everything he told me in the morning is still fresh in my mind and I can’t help but cry everytime I remember it. I am desperate to forget him and to move on with my life so I’m giving myself 24 hours to forget…. And the timer starts now 3:13 in the afternoon, Thursday, November 30. 

I didn’t notice how time ran so fast. I am now sitting by the veranda 4:00 in the afternoon. If has been 47 minutes since I gave myself 24 hours to forget him. Tears slowly tumble from my eyes as I stared at the school paper’s issue where he and his teammates are being featured. His face was so warm and so calm as if he was really alive and looking at me. How could I be so dumb to expect much from him and assume that he likes me too? I am determined to forget him and I’m sure 24 hours would be more than enough for me to do it. 
I then left the veranda and head towards my room. I got my log and wrote every detail that had happened in the morning. My hand was shaking together with my hearts refusal of what had happened. I made myself believe that it was just a nightmare even though I knew that it was for real.

8:32 p.m., after eating dinner I directly head towards my room. I took my pen and a piece of paper from my table and started writing down the things I must do for tomorrow. These things will keep my Saturday morning busy and this could be my way to forget him.

7:00- wake up and start the day with the smile (no time for mourning; happiness is a decision… I think so)
8:00-9:00 – exhaust myself with biking (ONLY ME AND MY BIKE!!!)
9:00- 11:00 – go visit the library or the internet cafe (spend time reading till my eyes surrender or surf the net, I need to learn things out)
11:00- 12:00 – draw, paint, and sketch till my hands admit defeat (no one would even mind…)
12:00- 1:30 – crush the diet and eat till drop… (I’ll eat everything I want to eat… NO ONE CAN INTERFERE)
1:30- 3:13 – scroll in the mall (WHATEVER!!!!) 
3:13 - I’m definitely over him (I PROMISE)

After writing my schedule for the next day, I knelt down with tears asking strength and guidance from God. I can’t brag on what had happened. Life must go on; it ought to. I then slept and prepared myself for the next day.
Saturday morning came and as scheduled I woke up at exactly 7:00 in the cock-crow. For an hour I took things in a swift. I ate my breakfast, tidied the house, clean myself up and took my bike out with me. It was already 8:15 when I left but the 15 minutes delay won’t do me harm and still I’m sticking up with my schedule. 
I had a great time with my bike. I toured the whole subdivision and realized that I could have not enveloped my place if I was not heartbroken. But eventhough I had great time, still Darwin is in my mind. I keep telling myself that I will make it and by the end of the day I’ll be back to my real self. 
9:03 when I reached the library to start digging down books and surf the net. I find the books so irritating because mostly of them were about love with happy endings which I didn’t feel like reading. Yeah, yeah, yeah…why does it all have to be happy endings when those things only exist on books? So I continued stepping myself on to the internet café. Exploring the net wasn’t so much fine because I had no idea about any topic that would interest me so I just killed the time playing computer games. Gunbound, ragnarok, crazy taxi, battle realms, pangya… those are just a few of the games which made me release my stress. Even the silliest games made me extend my hours in playing and erase my supposed to be drawing session. Well at least I was able to forget him in my little ways.
It was 12:30 when I left the internet café. I proceed to the mall to eat every kind of food I wish to eat even if it might cause my savings. I was on the pizza parlor, taking my line for my order when a tap was felt on my back. It was Isabelle and guess what; he was with Darwin; just how destiny plays games with me. I flashed them both a smile. I was irritated but I need not show it to both of them. 
We were done with our orders so the three of us chose to sit down on the table located by the end corner of the pizza parlor. It was a comfy area, away from people passing and with an overlooking view by the garden located outside the mall. I wasn’t comfortable with them, Just how the both of them ruined my schedule which made me doubt whether I’ll make it or not. The confidence I had in me was shaken whenever I see their eyes meet. Of all the thousands of people I could see why would then it be the both of them? Everything is starting to get ruined. Doubt had cloaked me in silence without even asking my approval. I wanted to send myself out from their sight but I don’t want to be mean. Sometimes we just have to forget self respect in able for us to spare other people.
It was 2:00 when we left the store. Isabelle invited me to come with them. I wanted to say no but I know it would only disappoint my bestfriend so I had no choice but to come. I was walking behind them all the time because I didn’t crave to interfere in their moment. Eventhough Isabelle asked me to come; I know she wants to spend more time with Darwin. It was only yesterday when Darwin asked me to help him out with Isabelle but after all he never needed me because he was able to do it in his own. 
Seeing them both happy was great pain in me. In their eyes I see that in the little time they spent they were complete and it made me realize that I am really defeated even before the battle begun.
It was 3: 05 when we started walking out the mall. I was still walking behind them. Darwin would look back seldom than Isabelle does, but every look he gave to me brings joy in my heart. 8 minutes more before 3:13 but still I am not through him… 
We were about to cross the street when I saw an overhauling car from behind. The car was about to hit Isabelle if I wasn’t able to push her and caught the car for myself. The next thing that happened was vague.
I found myself inside the ambulance when I woke up. Isabelle was holding my hand, crying for my misfortune. Darwin was seated opposite her… he was saying something but I couldn’t hear it. I tried to read the words from his mouth but everything was blurry. 
I’m tired and I know God is about to take me. 3:13 is through but I have failed myself because I’m not yet through him. My love for him has bargained my life. But despite all, I’m still glad because I was able to save my bestfriend and the girl he loves… at least he won’t be crying much. And now I could finally say it’s finally over.





Our true identity is to love without fear and insecurity. Our higher potential finds us when we set our course in that direction. The power of love and compassion transforms insecurity. 

Doc Childre

confessions!!!!

It happened for a week. But that seven day experience has been the longest week of my eighteen years of existence. January 25th till the 31st of 2008 was the most unforgettable days of my life. Papa was lying on the bed in the Intensive Care Unit of the Maria Reyna Hospital while me, mama and ate are restless and couldn’t do anything in able to ease the pain papa is feeling at that moment.

Papa is inside the room with his body attached to four different machines. There is also a tube inserted on his mouth in able to sustain his breathing. I couldn’t look straight at him because I can feel the throbbing in his eyes. I couldn’t hold his hand, because I am afraid. I couldn’t bear seeing him in that state. Because everytime I look at him, I can’t stop my tears from falling.

Mama on the other hand tried to be very strong for me and ate. Despite her wounded heart and empty pocket, mama has never forgotten her obligations as a mother. She hasn’t worked for a week and stayed beside papa. She has witnessed papa’s every pain inside the room as well as to papa’s slowly withering body. Mama has been there hopefully praying for papa’s recovery.

Papa’s admittance in the hospital came to me as a surprise. When I left home, he was fine and the night before that, I was even talking with him while we both cook for ate’s study peers. Then in an instant, I just received a message telling me that papa’s in the ICU.

After exactly a week, papa died. My best buddy and my best guy have left me. And the Papa’s girl looses the very reason of her identity ... his Papa.

Papa died at the age of 63. But his experience of being a dad took only 21 years of his existence. Papa created a big mark on me. And his death tore me into pieces. I was in the midst of dying because of the excruciating pain that I am feeling; and in the midst of the desire to live and to continue.

I have lost the person that I was. I had chosen to be always alone, silent and unmindful of the beautiful things that life is constantly offering me. I was in the state of complete carefree. I didn’t mind… and I was even pretending that papa is just beside me.

It was a turning-point. My world totally stopped and I was struggling to fix my chaotic soul. He was my best man and his absence was a struggle in my everyday existence. I was used with him beside me. I lived a life trying to always please him and he has been the very reason of my every struggle of becoming a better Lezlee. And when he died, I died together with him. 

This was also a religious experience not only to me but to my whole family. We have learned the preciousness of each other and we have learned our temporality on earth. We have learned to give value and credit to even little things that we do for each other. We have grown into becoming a much better family.


But despite all that had happened, God has never failed to show his immeasurable love not only for me but for my whole family. I thought it would be very hard for us but after a year and four (4) months we have slowly recovered. Everything should move forward, as much as my life should move on. The Lord has given me a lot of blessings while mama, ate, together with my friends have never failed to show me that life is still beautiful. The Lord has shown me papa through everyone who have patiently waited for my return.
In my everyday questioning of why it had to happen, the Lord has constantly wrapped me with His love. I have not yet found the answer to that question, but He has given me more than enough reasons why I should move forward.
Papa’s death was such a pain but God made me realize through many people that papa will always remain. I am his legacy and I must strive to become better not only for his sake but most especially for myself.

Beauty and Madness

It was already late and tears from heaven fell madly. A car is swiftly traveling by the highway as tears slowly tumble together with the rushing of the heavy rain. A truck was promptly approaching towards the car which made the driver hurriedly turn left to avert collision. But despite the immediate action, a further accident occurred as a fish carrier from behind overhauled the truck. The driver of the car stepped the brakes to stop. But, due to the slippery road the brakes didn’t hold. The car turned in circles and hit a light post just nearby. Due to the great impact of the shunt, the car was thrown off the bridge down to the river as it slowly sinks. 
I was in my room. I was busy with my computer chatting with a friend from New Zealand whom I did not meet personally. I’ve just known her through the internet a few months ago and since then we’ve been in touch through the computer. I was listening music at the same time when I heard shouting from the living room. I was sure that it was my mom and dad again quarrelling ‘bout those little things that has slowly grown into something big. I didn’t mind them that much; instead I turned the volume of the speaker a little louder for me not to hear the raise of howl from the other side of the door. I did not pay attention on what actually was going on for the reason that I knew that those are just one of their insignificant quarrels which again were opened up. For a while I was right when suddenly silence filled the house. I baffled with what happened but I continued on what I was doing until I heard my elder sister cry as big thumps were given unto my door. I was terribly alarmed and in great shock as I unswervingly unlock the door of my room. My sister was kneeling as she talked in tremble while tears tumble from her eyes. Words hardly came out from her lips as slowly letter by letter from her statement fascinate within me. I slowly fell as her words resound in my head… “Mama will leave us, she’s going away.” I didn’t understand the feeling I felt that moment. I was sad, angry, filled with hatred. I pitied myself. I did not know what to do. I wanted to scream as tears slowly crawl from my eyes down to my cheeks. I can’t breathe with that flash…I felt alone. All I heard was my sister piping her eye. I refused to believe what’s going on. I slapped my face once, twice, even thrice to let myself deem that everything is just a nightmare and the best way to do is to wake up. Things ended as I realized that everything is for real.
I stood upright- brave: wanting to show my elder sister that I am strong. I wiped the tears that are slowly falling. I got a glass of water from the kitchen to give it to my sister as I slowly leave her sight. I gave very big footsteps as I went out the house down to the garage. I didn’t had the idea if anybody noticed me as I walked away. I went outside without any coat or umbrella inattentively minding every drop of rain that slowly turns me wet. I fill the red car as tears continue to rush together with rain. I stayed there for a while. As I bow my head to the wheel drive I remembered my mother. In my mind is a picture of her. She is such a busy woman. She does the working to earn for our living. With her monthly salary, we were sent to school, we eat, we were dressed and we get what we want and needed. I remember her cooking for the holidays…salad, pastries, cookies. Eventhough she is a nagger, everything she does for the family is definitely appreciated. When mom comes home from work, I and my sister race towards her as dad follows from behind. My father was the person we spend most the time with. He is the one left at home with us. He accompanies us at school. He does the cooking and he indeed is very much close to me and my sister. With all the naughtiness I have done in my life, I was with him. I remember him smiling as I run at him everytime mom pinches me. And then my sister shouts… cheering with all her might. My sister is very intelligent by the way. She was always one of the top three students. She teaches me with my math assignment at times and whenever she is in her mood. I don’t know but it’s just that I and my sister don’t get along that much. We have very little in common and we differ in likes and dislikes. I remember the days when we quarrel and then dad would scold us both leaving the both of us in silence. 
I remember my family… we were not like this before. We were happy despite our petty quarrels. Now, things have changed. I raised my head as I stared at the oak tree near the gate. I remembered the days when I was there climbing and extending my hands up the sky… trying to reach heaven. I continued to cry as I ask myself what went wrong and why this has to happen. We were not like this, we were happy despite all he trials and problems that have come our way. I am deeply confused if still I have to consider my house a home and the people living in it as my family.
I got the keys from my pocket and turned the engine on. I didn’t know where to go the only thing fixed in my mind is that I should depart and disappear from the vicinity of our house. 
Together with the heavy rain and the noise from the engine, my heart beats fast; faster then anything else. More than the rain, or the engine, or the clashing roar of thunder, what sounds most is the noise created by my heart. I remember how my friends tell me how blessed I am with my family and how I make their every squabble humorous at the front of my classmates and friends. I remember how I smile despite the tears that have flooded my heart.
It was already late and tears from heaven fell madly. The car is swiftly traveling by the highway as tears slowly tumble from my eyes as it race with the rushing of the heavy rain. I was so confused; with my family, with myself. I slowly absorb every bit of reality that collides within my senses. I ran away from home to run off everything. I ran away to break away from all the things that are occurring.
On the peak of my escape, a truck was promptly approaching towards me. I hurriedly turn left to avert collision. I thought everything was under control but despite a further accident occurred as a fish carrier from behind overhauled the truck. I stepped unto the breaks to stop but due to the slippery road, the brakes didn’t hold. The car turned in circles and hit the light post just nearby. Due to great impact of the shunt, the car was thrown off the bridge down to the river as it slowly sinks.
The daisies are now in full bloom. I am about to leave so I went to our house to give my last gaze on it. For the last time, I stared at our house. Still I am confused. I am hoping to bring back the ambience of a home into our house. Then my attention was pushed towards the oak tree. Now, I will no longer extend my arms to reach the sky…. Heaven is just within reach.