confessions!!!!

It happened for a week. But that seven day experience has been the longest week of my eighteen years of existence. January 25th till the 31st of 2008 was the most unforgettable days of my life. Papa was lying on the bed in the Intensive Care Unit of the Maria Reyna Hospital while me, mama and ate are restless and couldn’t do anything in able to ease the pain papa is feeling at that moment.

Papa is inside the room with his body attached to four different machines. There is also a tube inserted on his mouth in able to sustain his breathing. I couldn’t look straight at him because I can feel the throbbing in his eyes. I couldn’t hold his hand, because I am afraid. I couldn’t bear seeing him in that state. Because everytime I look at him, I can’t stop my tears from falling.

Mama on the other hand tried to be very strong for me and ate. Despite her wounded heart and empty pocket, mama has never forgotten her obligations as a mother. She hasn’t worked for a week and stayed beside papa. She has witnessed papa’s every pain inside the room as well as to papa’s slowly withering body. Mama has been there hopefully praying for papa’s recovery.

Papa’s admittance in the hospital came to me as a surprise. When I left home, he was fine and the night before that, I was even talking with him while we both cook for ate’s study peers. Then in an instant, I just received a message telling me that papa’s in the ICU.

After exactly a week, papa died. My best buddy and my best guy have left me. And the Papa’s girl looses the very reason of her identity ... his Papa.

Papa died at the age of 63. But his experience of being a dad took only 21 years of his existence. Papa created a big mark on me. And his death tore me into pieces. I was in the midst of dying because of the excruciating pain that I am feeling; and in the midst of the desire to live and to continue.

I have lost the person that I was. I had chosen to be always alone, silent and unmindful of the beautiful things that life is constantly offering me. I was in the state of complete carefree. I didn’t mind… and I was even pretending that papa is just beside me.

It was a turning-point. My world totally stopped and I was struggling to fix my chaotic soul. He was my best man and his absence was a struggle in my everyday existence. I was used with him beside me. I lived a life trying to always please him and he has been the very reason of my every struggle of becoming a better Lezlee. And when he died, I died together with him. 

This was also a religious experience not only to me but to my whole family. We have learned the preciousness of each other and we have learned our temporality on earth. We have learned to give value and credit to even little things that we do for each other. We have grown into becoming a much better family.


But despite all that had happened, God has never failed to show his immeasurable love not only for me but for my whole family. I thought it would be very hard for us but after a year and four (4) months we have slowly recovered. Everything should move forward, as much as my life should move on. The Lord has given me a lot of blessings while mama, ate, together with my friends have never failed to show me that life is still beautiful. The Lord has shown me papa through everyone who have patiently waited for my return.
In my everyday questioning of why it had to happen, the Lord has constantly wrapped me with His love. I have not yet found the answer to that question, but He has given me more than enough reasons why I should move forward.
Papa’s death was such a pain but God made me realize through many people that papa will always remain. I am his legacy and I must strive to become better not only for his sake but most especially for myself.